Posted in Wedding Expert Advice | 10 July, 2013
I have (or did have) three bridesmaids: my sister and my two best friends. My fiance wanted only two groomsmen, so I took it into my hands to ‘unask’ one of my best friends. It was a difficult decision, but I was a little upset with her at the time and, to be honest, I didn’t really think it through before I acted. I know what I did was not ideal and I regret it deeply. She’s has taken it very badly and is no longer talking to me. I’m so sorry for what has happened and I want her back as a bridesmaid (and as a friend), even if we only have two groomsmen. What should I say/do?
Oh, dear! I do feel for you. I have a relative who had something similar happen with a friend when she was wed more than 20 years ago – and they’ve only just started talking again.
The difference is that there was a third-party involved and lots of miscommunication. You’re lucky in that you can speak directly with her – and you need to.
Your friend must have felt so very hurt when she was ‘unasked’ from the bridal party, but at least you’ve realised this and that’s the first step in mending your friendship.
The thing is you need to figure out what you want from this situation. From what you’ve said, I gather you dearly want your friend back and having her play such a vital role on your big day is probably secondary. It sounds very much like you want to erase any hurt you’ve caused her, which is a good thing.
I don’t know how diplomatically you ‘unasked’ her. I don’t know if you explained to her why she was being dropped or whether she felt that it had something to do with whatever situation caused you to be annoyed with her.
You obviously realise that you probably should have thought it through a little more and weighed up whether potentially hurting your friend was worth having uneven numbers in the bridal party, so that point is moot.
Regardless, to be absolutely honest, I think the only way to fix this situation is to beg and plead with her to forgive you.
Tell her (again?) why you did it. Admit you made a mistake and that you really didn’t think it through. Tell her that you honestly didn’t realise it would hurt her so much and that you truly do feel bad for what has happened.
She’s your friend and probably loves you to death, which explains the depth of her pain and, perhaps even, anger. Though you didn’t handle things well initially, the fact is you’re sorry and all you can do is be honest with her and suggest a fix. She may not warm to the idea immediately but, depending on how hurt she is, how much you mean to her and her own ability to forgive, she may come around in time.
Oh, and definitely tell her how much it would mean to have her be such an important part of your big day but keep in mind it may be awkward being the odd one out and she may not want to be a third, groomsman-less bridesmaid.
If it means that much to you, perhaps you could go the extra mile and find a third groomsman?